Boundaries are quite caring actually. When we consider the need for boundaries in a relationship we are saying that we value this relationship enough to try something different that keeps us in the relationship.
We’re trusting the other person cares for us too, enough to honor what is needed for us to stay authentically engaged in the relationship.
When boundaries are respected that trust grows and continue to feel the loving care within the relationship.
And when boundaries are routinely dismissed even when they’re clear, we learn the other person is not trustworthy with the amount of vulnerability and presence we’ve been bringing into the relationship with them.
We adjust, and sometimes we learn that the initial flight signal has validated data to exit the relationship. While boundaries often start with a sense of flight, a full exit/ ending of the relationship is not always needed.
Finding the boundaries that keep you safe and give the relationship a chance is finding the gentle edges of tolerance within the flight, recognizing there are other emotions, other signals happening simultaneously. Boundaries give us patience, time to explore more relationship data, a chance to breathe and evaluate through protected experiences how it is to be in a relationship.
And they can be adjusted. Sometimes we need higher, thicker boundaries just when we’re going through something tough or really exciting. Like having boundaries where you’re not spending as much time with the person that finds the flaws in everything when you think you might be dating the right person, finally. Or, if you just lost a job, maybe you have boundaries from the super strong optimist because you need to grieve for a moment. There will be a time in both of these circumstances where bringing in these people’s perspectives will be helpful again, it’s just not right away when it feels like a complete contrast to your own experience.
Boundaries give relationships a chance by adjusting the dynamic, the dance, and seeing if there’s a way of staying in the relationship that honors both people.
